Sometimes, we need to change the way we think because if we keep on doing and thinking the same way, how is anything supposed to ever change?
In the past, I have allowed myself to get into a bitter mindset when it came to my infertility journey. I tried, I lost, I tried again, I lost another, I tried yet again, I lost yet again. You see the cycle was not becoming something I enjoyed enduring. I got the distant “I’m sorry’s” and the “Again?” and the best one, “You really shouldn’t try again”. And I would get that into my head and wonder, ‘should I really never try again?’ ‘Why do all these other people get more than one baby?’ However, that’s a dangerous place to be living in the land of why’s and what if’s and how come’s. That land is no mans land and sometimes its hard to return from that destination.
And as horrid of a place that was to be, I kept finding myself creeping there in the depths of my heart after each loss. Each time, I pulled myself out because I didn’t want to be there feeling that way. I like being optimistic and life full of rainbows and happiness but I admit there have been times, when the rainbows felt like they were never coming and the happiness was just a façade for the world.
Once I returned from that ugly trip for good, I decided enough was enough and I would give myself time to sort out my feelings. I would be happy when someone was pregnant and expecting and I would truly get excited to share in their successes and joys and not ever return to that fretful place in my heart ever again. Because hope is a magical thing that leads us to the land of rainbows and glass half full kind of outlook on life. Hope gives us back what was taken away when we were in despair.
With true joy, my heart began to heal from all the things I had been through. I returned home and went on an amazing vacation to my favorite happy place, Disney World, which always just puts me in a good mood. I came back from that trip with a renewed sense of hope and faith in my Creator. It is far too easy to book a one way ticket to No Mans Land and have bitterness and ugly build up in your heart. I made a conscious effort to never go there again.
I started searching for verses and talking to the Lord each morning and the more I talk to Him, the more I talked and listened, the more I heard. Something changed in my heart and I started not only just talking with Him, but I found myself having meaningful prayers with God like never before. Its vulnerable telling others about things that trouble us but I felt a sense of need to share my stories with the world in this way. I have been a believer since I was a little girl, baptized since I was a teenager and have always tried hard to study and learn as much as I can, but for the first time in my life, I feel a yearning and a sense of peace talking with God and I am glad I found this place of contentment.
During one of my studies, I have been reading and writing out Romans 8. There are so many treasures tucked inside these verses that I have read before yet never truly “heard”.
See the Bible tells us that we are not set aside. God is with us all the time. He has not forgotten or will never forget us, especially when we are in need. But this verse, Romans 8:26, goes a step further to tell us that not only is God never going to leave me or you but the holy Spirit PLEADS for us and PRAYS for us when we don’t know what to pray. I always would sit back and look at others when they were praying and say, “Wow, Lord, THEY SURE KNOW HOW TO PRAY”. But all the while, when I couldn’t the right words, The Holy Spirit was finding the words for me and praying them for me in a way that words cannot express.
I will take it even one step further… a few verses down in this same chapter…. it tells us that Not only is God for us, not only is the Holy Spirit pleading for us, but Christ sitting at Gods right hand is praying for us as well. Jesus Christ is taking the time to PRAY FOR YOU and for ME. Take a moment and think about that.
God has not forgotten me. God has set me apart for a reason. Gods reasoning is far better than my own. And Romans 8:28 tells us that we should KNOW that ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love Him. You see, I may have lost babies and pregnancies but all the while, God is working something magical and It is not my time yet.
Maybe its your time right now. Maybe its your best friends time. Maybe just maybe my time is coming very soon, but I know that no matter when or if it may come, God has a plan and a purpose for me and for your life that we cannot see right now.
As I write this morning, Hurricane Matthew is approaching the Bahamas. He is a big one. But my God is bigger. Matthew is strong, yet my God is stronger. Matthew is unpredictable yet my God knows all. I pray for the families that have lost their loved ones in this massive storm. I pray for the islands and the land and the earth that Matthew will affect over the next few days. I pray he continues to weaken and to pick up speed and go out to sea where he would not be a bother to any lives. In all this we pray, in Jesus name, Amen.
Peace be with you. Peace be with my Bahamaland as we get hit with this storm. And as I travel the uncharted waters of my infertility journey, I pray that these verses will comfort you in whatever deep waters you are facing in your life too.