Wow, its been an entire month almost since I have had the chance to let out my heart on here. March has been a tiring, busy and life-altering month for us.
In the beginning of this year, my husband and I decided that we would brave the world one more time and try for baby number two. If you didn’t know, we had lost thirteen prior to this round, and we talked and talked about it and decided together that we were brave enough to try one last time. We knew we would either end up in the delivery room or with yet another loss. This was a tough decision because we had decided a few times before we were done, but there was a nagging feeling in my heart that said we weren’t.
So there we were, stuck between faith and fear unsure of what the future held for our hearts.
The time came to test, and before I had never really gotten very strong tests, because by the time I found out, usually I was already started the process of losing the pregnancy. I saw the most beautiful dark lines… and in my heart there was hope flickering as bright as the sun.
It was the most beautiful sight ever.
I had envisioned in that moment what our baby would look like, what we would name him or her, what colors we would do the nursery, how excited Wyatt would be to be a big brother and all your hopes and dreams for the new baby just flows in as strong as ever when you know you are carrying a beautiful baby in your belly.
A few days later, all of those dreams and hopes came crashing down as we found out we had lost our last baby. I know to a lot of people, being early would be considered a blessing compared to losing them later on. But to a person who had tried and succeeded to get pregnant 14 other times, only having one baby come out of them, those two beautiful pink lines were the most magical feeling in the world. I cried and cried until my tears were all gone. I felt as if I could not cry one more tear because I had sobbed them out so much. I was not just grieving the loss of this… but making sure my heart had the time to grieve the finality of it all.
As I sat there crying, my five year old came up and rubbed my cheek and asked, “Mommy, why are you so sad?” I told him, “Mommy had hoped for something, but I see now that it cannot happen.”
He smiled at me, wiped my tears away, and said, “Mommy, don’t be sad, I know you were hoping for a baby, and God told me to tell you that we are going to be alright and be a happy family of three.”
Needless to say, the chills ran up my spine, and I felt Gods loving awestruck arms around me hugging me and filling my heart with peace and an odd calm sensation rushed through my entire body and soul.
I found this a few days later, and I wanted to share it with all of you as well as have a special place for it here on my blog:
This touched my heart so much and maybe it will help one of you, someone who is sitting reading this, hurting the same hurt and feeling the same pain that I have felt. I hope that God blesses you with the child that you hope so much for … and that if it is not in the plan that you can find some peace about it … and turn to other options if that is your choice!
God must have needed an angel army and I was blessed to be chosen to carry them for even a short time… for those few weeks to trust God and fill my heart with so much love for all of my babies in Heaven. Just imagine, the first sight they got to see was the eyes of Jesus, and that brings me more comfort than anything here on Earth could ever bring me.
Without the trials that we endure in this life, we would never turn to the Lord as much as we should. God never brings doom to our lives, quite the opposite, he brings light to my life. Who am I to question the things that happen in my life? Perhaps, God has a greater purpose for me and my future may hold a different blueprint than what I envisioned. My blessings come in so many forms and every tear I have cried has proven that God lives in my heart and even when my heart is aching for what I have lost, Jesus has shown me what I have gained.
Look at my most amazing accomplishment:
He makes me laugh more in every day than I could ever imagine. He loves to learn and to read just like his mommy. His love makes me feel more blessed than I could ever be and this little boy was given to me from God to raise in His image to be an amazing man. What an important job God has given me…
My love for children and teaching will impact someone… and when I go to teach, or through my Sunday school class, If I can impact ONE child’s life and help them to realize how unique and special their abilities and personalities are, then that is what its all about.