#I Am Not

I am NOT a Failure.

From the time I was a little girl, I wanted to be a Mom. I was the little girl rocking a baby doll and putting it to sleep. I would lay in my Moms bed and feed my dolly.

Sometimes, my big brother even pushed around “my baby” and I. Aren’t we cute? hahah So when I got married in 2005, I knew it wouldn’t be long before I got the baby fever as they call it. A year later, it happened, I was ecstatic. However, that pregnancy did not end as I had hoped. I felt like an utter failure. I mean how can I lose the first baby I ever tried to bring on this earth? I felt alone. I felt like, “What did I do?”. “Did I exercise too hard?” “Did I eat something wrong?” “Did I lift something too heavy?” I was adamant that it was something I did that caused this to happen. Months passed and I started to find some closure but I still felt like it was my fault.
A year later, I found myself expecting again. I was so nervous. I made it to the end of that pregnancy and look what God blessed me with?

Look at those squishy cheeks!!!!!! Oh my…. they grow so fast. So after a few years of enjoying and snuggling this adorable little man. We got the baby fever again. Only this time, a few years later, it is sort of ending up without the result we hoped for in the beginning. Why do you think whenever things are going great, we don’t feel like such a failure. However, when the tides turn, and the world is looking grim, we get it into our heads that we are not good enough or do not deserve things. God does not promise us an easy road of life, in fact God actually tells us we will have trials.
Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
God does not want us walking around so afraid. He wants us to have courage; the courage to get through the dark times and the light.
The last few months, I have been dedicating my life even more to Christ. I have always believed but I wanted to do more than just believe. I wanted that personal relationship to grow deeper each day as I pray to Him and as I come to Him before anyone else.
I stopped watching a lot of different shows on television and stopped reading a lot of the fiction books. I found beautiful authors that captivate my reading love that uplift Christ and his teachings. Right now, I am in love with Lori Wick.
Nevertheless, when I first started to make this transition, people did not understand why. I had to remind myself, I do not have to please other people. I started feeling guilty about what was I going to explain to them when they ask me why I made such a different change. They would ask “Why does it bother you now?” Well it bothers me now, because I started seeing some of the shows on tv for what they truly are instead of what I was making excuses for them to be. I do not need to be putting that stuff in my head. How can I want a closer relationship with God if im putting garbage from television in there all day? I am not judging. I still have some shows I love like Hart of Dixie and Greys Anatomy… but I tried to take the ones that refer to things in an evil tone out completely.
I felt like I had to justify my decisions.
I felt like a failure to these people, like I was letting them down somehow for changing my mind.
I am NOT a failure.
I do not have to justify my decisions to anybody other than God himself, and even then I have to repent and pray for my decisions.
Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”
I do not have to fear them.
Psalm 31:24

Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the Lord.

 So as I made this transition, I started feeling a calling again… a calling of the baby nature. I Felt like God was telling me it was time to trust in Him with it all; to have a little faith.

Once again, who starts feeling like a failure?
Only this time, I have been well equipped with the Word of God on my side. I have given this to God and I pray to Him every day that when or if it His will, things will happen again for us. But if it is not His will, then I know that I have been royally blessed as a Mommy already…. and He is working things in my life that have been amazing. I am finally losing weight, hosting a weight loss meeting and running a preteen Girl Youth Group called God Girls. God is actively working in my life and I trust him with all my heart.
Psalm 9:10

And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.
I will not let these lines define who I am as a Mother, Wife, Role Model, daughter etc…

Everything Has Its Time

3 To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,     And a time to die; A time to plant,     And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill,     And a time to heal; A time to break down,     And a time to build up; A time to weep,     And a time to laugh; A time to mourn,     And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones,     And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace,     And a time to refrain from embracing;

I do not have to feel like a failure at anything I do when my eyes are set on the Lord. He has me in His best interest, and when I look at the grand scheme of my life, every choice has led me where I sit and type this today. I will not justify them, because even if some of those things failed, I am not a “failure”. Sometimes we just have to try again.
If at first we don’t succeed, try try again. God needed a lot of little angels up in Heaven cheering me on for something, and one day I will say, “Oh that must have been what I was called to do”. But for now, I will continue praising Him and lifting His name up for all the blessings that he has bestowed upon my life so far, and I will NOT let any one person or thing define all the roles that God has given me to live.

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" You are never too old to set another goal or to dream another dream " ~CS Lewis

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