As i sat there quietly, I knew I had been there before. This was not a dream. I was right where I was meant to be, right where God intended me to be. There was an ache in my heart that I could not shake, a feeling that I could not push past.
On my knees I prayed for a sign that things would be alright. I needed some reassurance. I knew deep down in my heart that I needed to pray. Prayer right now was the only thing I did *need*…
So faithfully and compassionately I asked God to help me through this moment in my life. I had never felt more alone and yet more comforted ever. The pain was weighting me down but I knew that God would keep me safe. I knew God was there. I felt his embrace around me so tight.
It was then I went for a stroll down memory lane:
—It was the moment where I would find out what was happening… all i remember is being full of unanswered questions… feeling such a mix of emotions….
This was supposed to be one of the happiest moments I ever experienced…
I sat there feeling trapped between those four walls feeling afraid of the unknown…
Feeling so alone, more alone then I had ever felt in my life as I waited. I waited for what seemed like an eternity yet was probably mere minutes. My fate seemed as if it were in someone elses’ hands at that moment in time.
I took a deep breath and paused as the doctor said, “Im sorry, theres nothing we can do, the baby is deceased. I will leave you to gather your thoughts, Im sorry.” And in that moment, it felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. All those moments of waiting, I just had so much hope that maybe they were wrong, maybe they did not check good enough, maybe it would be good news, I was wrong. I knew I had to get out of that four-walled room. I knew I wanted to escape. I wanted to hide. I felt ashamed as if I had done something so wrong. I was 19 years old, happily married, and yet I found myself in one of the scariest moments of my life alone. I never dreamed I would need support … I was going to hear the heartbeat of a life that we created. Walking out of that office that day and having to drive myself home was one of the hardest things I ever endured. I barely made it into the car before I broke down… and I came home. However, not my home, I went straight to my Mom & Dad. My Daddy wrapped his arms around me in the biggest embrace. And it was that moment, right then and there, that I remembered how much a hug from our Father can restore emotional and physical pain—
As my mind came back to reality, I remembered I had been there before. My beautiful guardian angel baby was in Heaven with our wondrous God looking down on me saying, “Mommy, I will take care of them.” And all i could do was pray. Pray to God for the strength to get me through this another time, compassion and patience to heal, and the hope that one day if it was his will, I would have another little one.
When I look back over the past few years since that first day in that doctors office, I realize that all the hurt and pain I felt was natural. Sometimes we have to feel great pain and sometimes our lives are not a walk in the park.
However, an embrace from our Father is sometimes all we need. But we need to drive ourselves to Him, no matter how distraught and no matter how strong our suffering has been, we must drive our hearts to the Father and let him heal our pain. Just as my daddy made me feel not alone, and that I had someone to hold me, Our God is right there ALL the time. We just need to Pray to him, share with him, grieve with him, He will heal our hearts. It definitely may not happen overnight, in fact lets face it, It WONT happen overnight.
However, in time, God shows us the Hope amidst the pain. Sometimes there is always a moment in our suffering when we remember God blessed us with this beautifully imperfect life that is so perfectly magical and amazing. We have to be patient that God knows our big plan… our big blueprint up in heaven has all the paths we cross and endure mapped out. Patience is the key. That day in the doctors office, I felt so alone … and all it took was my fathers embrace to comfort my heart.
After going through five more losses since that fateful day in February, I was reminded that we just need that warm embrace from our Father wrapped around us whenever we are in need of it. Amidst those five losses, I was given the most amazing Gift from God. I was given our son, Torch. So sometimes even among the rain, a rainbow will form. The beauty of our God is that he can hold us all. He does not get weary or complacent… He is there… He will always be there for us. So lean on him… let him hug you… let him help heal our hearts from whatever pain you are feeling. Let him give us HOPE for a brighter day tomorrow and the days to come. For its what we do not see, that makes us a better person.
Romans 8:24-25 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.